Vanity Fair

“Again, I saw vanity under the sun: one person who has no other, either son or brother, yet there is no end to all his toil, and his eyes are never satisfied with riches, so that he never asks, "For whom am I toiling and depriving myself of pleasure?" This also is vanity and an unhappy business. Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4: 7-12)

Ecclesiastes is replete with exclamations of ‘Meaningless, meaningless!’ and ‘Vanity!’ and the implied question of, ‘What’s the point?’ It’s pretty much the Bible’s official emo book and I usually have to take it in small doses. Chapter 4 specifically poses the question of what’s the use of never being satisfied with accumulating wealth and never stopping to ask yourself: For whom am I working so hard for, exactly? This person being described is not only greedy but is consumed with it to the point that to stop and ask themselves some deep questions about their motivations isn’t even a concern.

Toiling for one’s own benefit is obviously not lauded here in Ecclesiastes. At the end of the work week, at the end of the year---or lifetime, what does it profit someone to work only for themselves? Verse 8 delves deeper with, “For whom am I…depriving myself of pleasure?” To be deprived of pleasure can apparently be an irrelevant factor to someone given that that deprivation benefits another human being. It’s amazing the odds one is willing to go to for another’s sake. Parents are an excellent example of that, often times sticking it out at horrible jobs to take care of little ones. Providing for another person can give purpose to the most mindless job and zest to the most apathetic heart.

Ecclesiastes can be a heavy book but it’s because its questions and observations are so relevant for our lives; it is impossible to read without being confronted with those weighty issues that must be addressed for the serious follower of Christ. Are we as believers stopping to ask ourselves the ‘What’s the point’ or the ‘For whom am I toiling’ questions? And if so, do we have some good answers? For me, this struggle in answering these queries plays out less in regard to work and more so in regard to appearance. Hopefully this won’t seem too off base but just hang in here with me.

As a woman, it is coded into my DNA to add beauty to the world in some way. Whether I’m wearing a frilly spring dress or being a bit of a perfectionist with icing a cake (that my family will consume in under fifteen minutes---no lie our fridge is a danger zone and if you don’t eat it or claim it with your name in huge Sharpie’d letters, it’s GONE), it is in my nature to desire to create beauty in the immediate world in which I live. Stasi Eldredge perfectly captures this female hardwiring in Captivating, “The essence of a woman is Beauty. She is meant to be the incarnation---our experience in human form---of a Captivating God. A God who invites us.”

Aside from the general community of family and friends and the outward acts which a woman can create beauty among them, what if there is no one to be beautiful for? Let me elaborate and hopefully that will make more sense.

There is the ability to make lovely homes, gardens, crafts, meals, etc. as a woman---whether single or not. So there is the potential for even a single woman to add beauty to her world in her neighborhood, at church or even around strangers. However, those opportunities still involve the necessary aspect of action---there is some task being carried out, some effort put forth, which makes for the beauty-creating result, whatever it may be.

I certainly believe any woman wants to make needed and unique contributions but beyond that, I think lies the greater longing to be beautiful over creating beauty or doing beautiful things. To be delighted in and appreciated for being, not doing. I would take a gander (a “gander?” Am I 85? Moving on) that men would be most satisfied contributing via some form of action rather than a state of being. Gentlemen please do correct me if I’m wrong; I’m by no means an expert on the male brain…or the female one, for that matter.

I love working hard and hearing that oft needed “Atta girl!” (a senior citizen has officially taken over my vocabulary) and my love language is foremost words of affirmation. I do not want to disregard the jolt to my happiness that just a few words can bring to my day. But after the dust has settled and I’m still enough to let my mind wander, I’m led to ponder: Do they [friends, family, employers, professors, pastors] love me for me or for what I do? And if it’s for what I do, then I feel I’ve got to keep performing to continue being loved and accepted. Another thought is that this task/job/role/favor can be duplicated by anyone so is there much to this praise if I’m so “replaceable?” Is it not the action and not my personhood which is being applauded?

I don’t seek to over-analyze situations and on a practical, rational level I know that I am indeed loved for me by those in my life. But even with this knowledge that I am truly loved for who I am, my heart poses this question whether or not I want it to. And it is the sheer fact that the question comes to mind that is striking to me. There is an invaluable boost in doing a genuinely good job and being commended for it but to be accepted for self---no performance required---is a priceless need to my soul as a woman.

So, I’ll repeat my question. What if there is no one to be beautiful for? No one to bless with the specific features God’s given me as a woman that are specifically and exclusively mine? This includes not only outward attributes but inner qualities of personality, character, temperament, even flaws and weaknesses (not that flaws would be a blessing but accepted as a part of “me”). Is there really a point to it, these efforts towards the outward appearance beyond the slight boost in my self-esteem a great outfit can contribute to or for mere vanity’s sake? I realize some women may struggle with finding purpose in their work as they succeed and achieve all the while not being “known” and validated to their core. Therefore their work (as much as they love it), apart from being known seems meaningless.

Vanity! Vanity! All is vanity! I’m right there with you, Sol. Solomon and I have nicknames for each other. Moses is Mo. He’s warming up to it. Well, at least sometimes I feel like all is vanity. Today for instance, I ended up not working so I opted to go to Starbucks (they get worried when I’m not there. Seriously. It’s that bad). The inevitable question revolves in my head like the airport doors that used to freak me out as a kid: What do I wear? And as I peruse my never-big-enough-closet, my spirit takes an immediate nose dive. It’s just Starbucks, what’s the point? I have no one to impress, no one who cares, or who I care if they care---trackin’ with me? Pastors always seem to use that phrase. And what are we tracking, exactly? The moon’s lunar patterns? Deer? Using a tracking device in a submarine on the set of Titanic with Bill Paxton? Oh well, I’ve joined the trackin’ team.

In all actuality it’s not just Starbucks, it’s church, restaurants, the movies, Barnes & Noble, the mall. All of these places---pretty much any place---begs the question: Why? Why am I doing this? For whom am I putting forth so much effort for, or even a modicum of effort? Who does it benefit, how is the world improved by my well-coiffed locks and painfully yet beautifully attired high-heeled feet?

My hair is crazy thick and takes FOREVER to wash, dry, straighten, and then finally style. Instead, I could be reading the Word, watching reruns of Project Runway, I could be napping; I could be surfing Wikipedia for useless bits of information that make me such an awesome dinner party guest and “so random” amongst my sisters (but a prime Jeopardy contestant. Life goal…one day). Basically, doing my hair is a supreme deprivation of pleasure to me. Verse 8 could have been written by yours truly, whom and I toiling [working/slaving away/killing my friggin’ arms to tame all this hair] and depriving myself of pleasure for?

I wish this question didn’t plague me so often but sadly it does. What would my life be like, I wonder, if I chunked my makeup, kept my hair in a perpetual bun and decided to pull off some awesome potato sack action? Considering my 26 year old stint of perpetual singleness, my guess is nothing. If my efforts have equaled zero eligible bachelors (aka: a whole lotta crazies and unfortunately short statured matches on eharmony), then canning my little beauty regime should equate to about the same results…um, non-results.

I saw the male counterpart’s dilemma first hand on a website for Christian singles that I love called Boundless.org. I can’t remember the article topic but the following reader comments turned into a discussion on the sometimes purposelessness that can haunt singles. One man, we’ll call him Jack, gave a most honest and heart wrenching account. He told in vivid detail how difficult and depressing it often was to wake up in the morning and go to a job for no one. Working hard and having success in his field only to come home to an empty house, with no one to bless with the earnings from all that his job provided was empty. Jack was far more elegant in the description of his anguish than I can sufficiently recount, however, the message was clear: What’s the point? Who am I working so hard for? Until then, I’d never considered how difficult it must be to be a single male earning a living with no one to provide for. If women are inherent beauty-makers, then men are definitely money-makers---providers (and that’s no new news of course).

To quote Stasi again from Captivating, “The essence of a man is Strength. A man is meant to be the incarnation---our experience in human form---of our Warrior God. A God who comes through for us.”

A man can offer strength a number of ways aside from physicality and provision is a prime example of that. And even provision spans beyond monetary means. In Ephesians 5 when men are commanded to wash their wives with the watering of the word, that is a provision of spiritual leadership, caregiving. Wives and children need financial provision but emotional and spiritual provision are just as vital.

A sense of purpose and accomplishment comes from doing what we’re made to do and when that doesn’t happen, one can’t help but ask variations of the ‘Why’ question. As hard as it is for me to gear myself up to deck myself out (or at least appear somewhat decent for the general public), how much harder is it, I imagine, for a man to knock himself out at a job 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (at least) all year long for only himself when he craves to be a blessing to a wife and children? Getting ready requires 30 minutes on average for me—60 if I’m ambitious---and a weekly 1 to 2 hours for the hair straightening torture act. And the 30-60 minutes is only for when I’m actually going somewhere. Some days I don’t even leave my house since my car is still without A/C and I live in Texas where it is 108 degrees outside…a supreme incentive to be a recluse. But how much more difficult would it be to be faced with your “purpose question” all day long?!

Making a sale---Why am I doing this? Pitching a proposal---Why am I doing this? Talking to Bob at the water cooler again---Why am I doing this? Designing, calculating, building, typing, repairing---Why am I doing this?!!! I personally think that might be a bit more daunting and hold even greater potential to steal one’s joy. Regardless, men and women both wrestle with the same question in varying ways.

Ultimately, and the automatic Sunday school answer would be, you guessed it, JESUS! And we are doing it for Jesus. Whether we eat or drink, all is to be done for the glory of God (1 Cor 10:31)! I want to acknowledge that yes, scripture says this and this is indeed our ultimate aim and what I want to be motivated by in all I do. But to get a less churchy, pat answer is what I’m after. Just let that be noted for the record.

I think it’s interesting that verse 9 of Ecc. 4 asserts that “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.” What is this good reward if not being each other’s reward? There exists the mutual benefit of working for the other’s benefit, because someone needs you, because someone’s depending on you and you have the ability to add to another person’s joy.

If this were strictly in relation to financial means, it wouldn’t make much sense. If two people join together their earnings yet both still have the same individual bills and personal spending habits, then there’s really no multiplication of “rewards” here. Verse 10 goes on, “For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has no one to lift him up.” Now I know others besides those in the role of spouse can play the encouraging role of lifter-upper. In the scope of marriage, however, there is a specific advantage of having someone so intimately connected to you. This person can be relied upon for the moments you are lacking in zeal to keep you strong when no one else could or who, by their very presence, can give you all the steam you need to persevere. Another reward: a ‘No Falling Zone.’

I just finished watching How You Know starring Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, and Owen Wilson. When I saw this the first time in the theatre with two girlfriends (and two broken theatre seats), I was not impressed. It moved slowly, had no fun rom-com soundtrack to help with the pace, and lacked the usual strong and interesting kind of character that Reese usually plays. It, like a lot of less than perfect movies, has grown on me though. To me, the only redeemable thing in the film was Paul Rudd’s character, George. George is sweet, wholesome, clean cut, and adorably head over heels, reminiscent of his Clueless character,­­­­­­­­ Josh.

When George meets Lisa (Witherspoon) his life is suddenly infected with sunshine and meaning. He is launched into a haven of happiness coming to Lisa’s aid at any turn and the simple joy of being near her. His shot at stealing her (simply by being an upstanding guy) from Lisa’s boyfriend Mattie (Wilson) is his one lifeline to sanity and joy. I won’t spoil other aspects of the plot line for those who haven’t seen it but this one ounce of glee-inducing purpose that Lisa plays in his life, alters the course of his future in a monumental way. I think George and Lisa are great examples of what one person’s presence in another’s life can do to keep them from “falling”…and how someone can be treasured for the essence of who they are, even if they may seem a bit lack luster to others.

It’s intriguing to me that God said “it’s not good for man to be alone (Gen 2:18) before the fall. There is the understanding that loneliness is a by-product of the fall but could it be possible that loneliness existed before sin came on the scene? And if that’s an inaccurate hypothesis, then at least alone-ness existed and to be alone, as God said, was just no bueno, no matter how you slice it.

If Adam was not lonely yet completely satisfied with his fellowship with the Father, then to exist in singular form was still not beneficial---no matter how content he was swinging on some vines with God in the garden (I’m 98% positive they did that). God is the one who says Adam shouldn’t be alone—not Adam. The first man was not complaining and begging for a partner: “God, this alone thing isn’t good. I need you to do something about it! Quick!” God Himself said it wasn’t good and made pains to provide a solution.

Our gracious Heavenly Father knows we need the joy and purpose that spring from blessing another with our ability to provide, whether that provision is in terms of finances, headship, aesthetic appeal, or grace from one’s very presence. It is He who formed these needs of function and He who forms the solutions, just like He did for Adam. I have to remain mindful of this fact when “What’s the point?” starts revolving again.

There is hope for the single and never been a provider/beautifier. God knows our aches and the longings of our souls (and to have warm Egyptian cotton sheets and not cold ones. Ecc. 4:11? Promise that makes sense). And it is in Him that I’m lacing my hope as I put on the dangly earrings and gloss my lips a pink hue for…no one. For now.

And when the answer is “No one” as I ask myself yet again whom I’m toiling for, it is my prayer that to be [beautiful, redeemed, loved, accepted, chosen, a daughter, delighted in, forgiven] in God’s presence will be enough to satisfy my heart. And not in some good sounding churchy way but in reality. I’m not there yet and maybe you’re not either, but our Father will be loving us with every step we take towards satisfaction in Him.